It’s 3:00 AM

I cannot believe it has been 6 months since my last blog.  I was on such a roll that somehow came to an unexpected screeching halt.  And now, here I am;  It’s 3:00 AM, I am wide awake, and with a lot to catch you up on. So to the few of you that read this, thank you!  In partial truth, part of me has not returned to the blog because I had this idea of what my blog would be:  Our journey to parenthood and beyond.  But after we had our first meeting with a fertility doctor and decided to put the prospects of parenthood onto the back burner for a little while, I felt like nothing in my life was significant enough to read about; And therefore, nothing in my life was significant enough to write about, either.

However, the last few months have sent me into a depressive area that I have not seen for quite some time. I am still trying to navigate my way out of it, and I’m definitely making progress, but this dark place has been another partial truth for my lacking motivation to write, engage with others, and put myself out there.

For the last few months there have been a variety of life events that have sent me into a funk.  The first year of marriage alone has been so beautifully challenging, but having other contributing factors has really just been this test of life.  In November, shortly after getting married, my step mom had a stroke that nearly took her life.  Life was a little chaotic as my dad, wife, and myself juggled hospitals, doctors, and shift changes as we all tried to contribute to being at her side, getting animals fed, and commuting back and forth from the area that we live (which is about 2 hours north of Seattle) and Seattle.  That really kicked off the start of my funk, I would say.  I had recently gone back to work to a job that I had once really loved, only to be working for a poorly managed building within the company.  I had a supervisor that really did not pull her weight, and bosses above her that literally spoke to myself and my coworkers like we were children.  I was already on the fence about leaving the company, but my work ethic was keeping me there.  I had never really quit a job out of dislike for the work, bosses, etc, and I was happy to be working again,  so I was really struggling with the idea of walking away, when my step mom’s stroke happened and my dad really needed my help.  The stress of making that decision was eliminated, but I was immediately shoved into the stress of my step mom’s stroke.

I don’t think it’s necessary to give you a list of reasons my life has seemed so daunting for the last few months, but in summary, I feel like I have been smothered by the stresses of life.  If it is not one thing, it is another.  And again, the first year of marriage.  Has anyone else experience the rough first year of marriage?   A couple of people had told us before marriage that the first year is the worst/ hardest year of marriage.  We literally laid in bed some evenings discussing how we just couldn’t imagine how life could be any different than how it had been for the almost 3 years we had been together before getting married.  HA!  Somehow, it IS different.  And add the stresses of new situations we haven’t learned to navigate as a couple, and you’ve got this ugly looking first year.  However, I will say, I love my wife more today than I did on the day I married her, so we can’t be doing that horribly ;)!  In fact, quite the opposite.  We are quickly approaching our one year anniversary, and as rough as this first year has been, my gratitude for my wife has grown immensely.  She is my rock, my best friend, my strength when I am weak, and I am just so proud and lucky to have her as my wife and teammate.

The biggest contributing factor to the dark space I’ve been residing, is the news that my dad and step mom are moving across the country.  Now, to be fair, the fact that my parents moved here to Washington was far more surprising than it is that they are moving to Florida.  Florida is where my dad ALWAYS said he would go once he retired.  But while they were here visiting for my birthday one year, my step mom fell in love with the Island we live on, and they were living here by that following December.  It has been the best 2 years having them here with us.  My dad and I have always been really close, but we have become the best of friends within the last 2 years.  I’ve grown really close to my step mom, as well, and I literally feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest to lose them.  I know it sounds so petty, because there is always trips, facetime, and phone calls to keep us connected, but my parents have been my lifeline for the last few years.  Before they arrived I could go DAYS without speaking to another human aside from my wife.  The Island we live on is a bit secluded from the rest of the world, so it’s not hard to do.  I’ve had no problem in the past being away from all of my family, but I think as I get older I am understanding the value of being within close proximity to my family. Which is partly why we decided to put our journey to parenthood on hold, too.

Our fertility appointment was in March (wow!  I can’t believe that was already 4 months ago!).  We found a clinic we really liked, we had a few donors narrowed down, and we were instructed to call the doctor once one or both of us started our menstrual cycles so we could come in to have tests run before jumping into that whirlwind.  But as weeks passed and my parents were talking more about moving, the idea of raising children so far away from my family really started to freak me out.  The idea of having children before obtaining a degree really started to freak me out.  The idea of having children before having a career really started to freak me out.  The idea of having children before our debt is paid off really started to freak me out.  The idea of having children while my wife is working an impossible shift really started to freak me out.  Ultimately, the idea of having children really started to freak me out.  I have NEVER in my life been more scared of the idea of having children than I have randomly and suddenly become within the last 4 months.  Suddenly I have started questioning whether we actually want children at all. Of course, my wife reassures me that this is what I’ve wanted my entire life, but I just have a few things to check off of my list ( I am a list person) before we start to make it happen.  And quite honestly, here we are four months later, my parents are moving tomorrow, and the idea of maybe re approaching the baby-making process in the near future doesn’t freak me out as much as it did. However, it’s simply amazing how one life event can seemingly change the timeline/ direction of several other events or steps.

Throughout the course of the last few months, while I’ve been really struggling to find myself, my happiness, and the answers to a ton of questions, I have had painful realizations about some of the people in my life,too.  You know, all of this shit sitting on my shoulders isn’t heavy enough, let’s add the weight of failing friendships, too!! HA!!!  I’ve slowly started pushing people out, and I’ve struggled with whether this is healthy or unhealthy for me to do.  My recent pain has created realizations I never had about certain people’s characters, and during (a) time(s) I really could have used some of my “closest” friends, most of them really failed me.  As a result, I’ve pushed them out.  I like to consider myself a pretty good friend.  I am pretty observant, loyal, and giving, and I tend to stretch myself thin just to make sure my friends are okay.  I am also a super happy, easy-going person about 95% of the time, but that’s not to say that I’m not allowed to have rough times, too.  I would say that I haven’t been the best version of myself since before the wedding, simply because of the stresses of planning a wedding, and then the stresses that followed, but otherwise, I’m a really great friend, and usually pretty easy to be with.  So for my “closest” friends to really drop the ball for me when I REALLY needed them, definitely adds to this overwhelming time in my life.  I reached out to every single one of my closest friends about the place I’ve been in.  I was THAT desperate;  Only one person has asked “how are you doing?”….It really makes you start to question your own character at times like that.  “Am I really such a shitty person that my friends are bailing when I’m telling them I could really use them right now, even though I have NEVER reached out like this ever before?”  That sentence looks ridiculous, and it sounds ridiculous when I question myself, but to have a majority of your “friends” of 10+ years bail during one of your hardest times, is simply flabbergasting and definitely sends your mind in many directions.

I promise this blog will NOT always be my place to unload all of my dirty laundry, but today it’s my space, and it’s perhaps the only effective way to release some of this built up stress so that I can get back to sleeping more regularly.

In happier news, our animals are doing really well!  Polaroid is officially on a diet, because much like the rest of us in the Morgan household, he too has put on a few extra pounds.  Only,  because of how much closer to the ground he is than we are, he does not carry the weight too well ;).  Riley on the other hand, has somehow managed to lose weight.  Probably because it is summer so she gets outside for a game of fetch a little more than usual.  My loyal companions have been awake with me since 3:00 this morning, so I’ll have fun boasting to Erika about the fact that they were out in the living room writing a blog with me rather than staying in bed with her.

It’s officially 5:00 in the morning, and there is a beautiful sunrise coming up over the Puget Sound that I can see from my living room window.  I’ll post the photo below, although the picture never does justice.  So I guess that’s it from me for today.  I’ll definitely get better about getting on here and keeping things updated.  At the very least it is nice to look back on after time has passed.  For now, I am going to soak in this beautiful sunrise, drink my coffee, and if I’m lucky, later I’ll squeeze a nap in! 🙂  Thank you for reading! FullSizeRender(25)

2 thoughts on “It’s 3:00 AM

  1. pennyfrances says:

    Good to read your blog, Katie, and I hope things start to get a bit easier for you soon. I don’t know how old you are, but as someone who had a child at nearly 39 through self insemination, I would say you don’t need to rush (although obviously leaving it until 39 is a risk, especially if you want more than one child!). But, like you, I always wanted children and life got in the way of this quite a bit until, as a single woman barely recovered from years of M.E, I decided I was going ahead and having a child, come what may. Scary but best decision of my life and I’m sure if it’s what you and Erika really want you will do it sooner or later. I used a known donor and he has had regular involvement with my son and is properly his dad. For me and my son that worked really well, but in the end there are no rights or wrongs about it and whatever you decide will be OK. We did the conception all by ourselves, no fertility experts involved. It’s really not hard unless you have infertility issues. Anyway, good luck with your journey and be kind to yourself. Oh, and thank you for following my blog too. I hope you might enjoy my novel when it’s finished as it features the 18 year old son of a lesbian mother. All best wishes

    Liked by 1 person

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